Earning more money than her boyfriend proved to be dangerous for Thembisa*, but it didn’t start out that way. Their relationship bloomed from a serendipitous meeting on a bus, but four years later, Bongi* was still taking the bus while Thembisa owned a car and paid for all their household expenses.
Then she bought him a laptop for his birthday. This generosity was the catalyst for all of Bongi’s pent-up frustration and most importantly, his feelings of disempowerment: it boiled into a physical fight so violent she ended up in hospital for a week.
“Often, men can experience feelings of shame and inadequacy at not feeling that they are providing,” explains Clinical Psychologist Richard Middleton. “A central aspect of masculine identity, for many men, is that of being a provider.”
Money has, and always will be, an issue in relationships: because money isn’t about the money – money is about power. Money is about freedom. Money is about choice. And money becomes a symbol of so much more than its Rand value when it’s in a relationship.
As financial advisor Lisa Linfield says: “Money isn’t one dimensional.” This becomes even clearer when there is an income inequality in a relationship, and, as Linfield explains, the money becomes a way to “express the state of the relationship”. Existing issues and dynamics will get played out in the finances. Clinical Psychologist Annette du Toit puts it another way: “The money becomes a metaphor.”
Now, Thembisa’s story may not be the norm, but the relationship wage gap is not a new phenomenon. What’s new about it is in 2017, women are increasingly out-earning their partners and becoming the main breadwinners.
Though this works for many couples, in patriarchal South Africa, both women and men struggle with a power dynamic that is against both their heritage and their expectations. Alison*, a managing director, is now, after a series of unplanned events, out-earning her husband.
She explains: “My husband and I are both Afrikaans – a traditionally patriotic culture, and the cherry on top is that he is a farmer. Although we are both modern, liberal and progressive thinkers, there are certain ingrained cultural quirks which are hard to shake.”
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One of these was directly linked to decision-making and the role of head of the household. As she told me, “I wouldn’t say it caused trouble in our relationship – but it blurred the lines of authority. My husband unconsciously started leaving all important financial decisions to me – a burden I felt too heavy to carry along with being the breadwinner. He on the other hand felt that the breadwinner had the ‘luxury’ of making such decisions. So although I am the breadwinner, I wanted all traditional roles to remain… something he felt he could not do as it was ‘my money’.”
Money, in fact, is more often than not a key indicator of a relationship’s success. “One of the best predictors for divorce is financial disagreements,” says Linfield, quoting a university study by Jeffrey Dew that “those who argue about money once a week are over 30% more likely to get divorced than those who disagree only once or twice.”
Annette says, “The dynamic isn’t any different to when women are financially disempowered in a relationship. The difference is that it’s not a social norm for men to be perceived as disempowered.” Though the wage gap is still a very real phenomenon in the South African workplace, more and more women are climbing the career ladder and secretly changing a long-standing dynamic.
Why secretly? I can only guess. What I know for certain is that of the seven sources I interviewed for first person stories, whether in good or bad relationships, cutting across the race, gender and career spectrum nationwide, all except one asked to be anonymous. My best guess is it’s probably because, as one source said, “I don’t want to embarrass my husband.”
Embarrassment is a very real fear. Franco Pellegrini, a Peruvian Italian sound engineer and stay-at-home-dad, has found the social shaming associated with having his wife as the main breadwinner an unfortunate phenomenon in South Africa.
“For men, it’s not really common,” he says, “There’s a lot of judgement, and when I say I look after the kids, a lot of men will say ‘my wife does that’.”
It’s commonplace at social gatherings for men to make snide off-hand comments that imply being the nurturer is an easy role; comments, Pellegrini says, that often infuriate their wives doing the exact same thing. And as a ‘stay-at-home’ dad, Pellegrini finds it frustrating how society and infrastructure are heavily skewed towards women as the nurturers.
Most classes are called something along the lines of ‘Moms and Tots’, few malls have gender-neutral or male baby-changing rooms, and a lot of people assume Pellegrini, as a lone male, has an illicit agenda with their children. One thing that helps with this is his group of like-minded, stay-at-home dads who meet once a week to bond, commiserate, and drink wine. Society aside, Pellegrini’s relationship with his wife works financially. His wife’s income is seen as ‘theirs’ and his contributions are valued as highly as hers – even if they don’t match Rand for Rand.
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Another successful relationship is Ayanda* and her husband. Ayanda finds being the main provider extremely rewarding, and loves that her husband encourages her ambition. “Practically, at the end of the day, it’s about the long-term view,” she says, “He is my best friend and we support each other, each doing what we do best for both of us.”
What both relationships are doing right is seeing the money as something practical, not linked to worth, and aligning their long-term goals with what each can contribute to the relationship. As Linfield says: “Secret-keeping, and looking at money as ‘yours, mine and ours’ can cause a lot of trouble in a relationship.”
Managing a relationship wage gap can be challenging, with a wide range of factors affecting the relationship; the main trick though is to respect and value each other.
HOW TO MANAGE YOUR MONEY (IN A RELATIONSHIP WAGE GAP)
<ul>
<li>MAKE A MENTAL SHIFT: Don’t think “I am earning R50,000, he is earning R20,000”, rather think “We are earning R70,000” and plan how to use that money for your shared future.</li>
<li>MONEY EXPRESSES HOW YOU THINK: As financial advisor Lisa Linfield says, money becomes an expression of your personality. Are you a saver or an adventurer? Understanding you and your partner’s financial needs will help immensely.</li>
<li>PAY PROPORTIONALLY TO INCOME: Happy Ngale, a financial wellbeing consultant at Alexander Forbes, has this handy formula to help you work it out:Income 1 (higher income) + Income 2 = Total income 
Income 1/total income x 100 = % split 
g. R50,000 + R20,000 = R70,000 
R50,000/R70,000 x 100 = 71%. 
Therefore Income 1 would pay for 71% of the joint bills meaning Income 2 pays 29% towards the joint bill.This balances the payments and creates a fair share towards the joint bills.</li>
<li>DO YOUR FINANCIAL PLANNING TOGETHER: Transparency really is your best friend here! Retiring together one day is your long-term financial goal, so make sure your sights are aligned to the same end result.</li>
<li>VALUE WHAT YOUR PARTNER BRINGS: As Annette says, this might not be money! Looking after the children, managing the household, and other tasks all are as important as a financial contribution.</li>
<li>IF IT’S NOT WORKING, REEVALUATE: If you do feel the financial situation isn’t working – if the breadwinner is feeling too much pressure, or if you simply don’t have enough money, or if one partner is unhappy, it’s perfectly OK to have a look again at your financial agreement and come to one that makes both partners happy. This might mean one of you going back to work, or one of you working less, advises Kerri Lutz, Wealth Coach and Financial Advisor for Women.</li>
<li>CHOOSE A CARETAKER: As John Manyike, Head of Financial Education at Old Mutual, explains: “Having a joint bank account is a convenient way to manage day-to-day spending and saving, but it can be problematic if one of you is not financially disciplined. Couples must identify who the financially responsible one is and agree on who is best-suited to taking care of the household budget.”</li>
<li>BE TRANSPARENT: Don’t keep financial secrets. Know what’s happening with both of you so you can plan accordingly, for your joint future.</li>
</ul>
(*not their real names)
<ul>
<li>Written by Samantha Steele</li>
</ul>

So… You Earn More Than Your Husband?

On February 9, Africa’s biggest mining gathering will kick off in Cape Town, South Africa. From Australians mining iron ore in West Africa to Chinese interested in our rare earth, more than 7,000 people will arrive at the Mining Indaba to talk about the future of the industry.
One of the topics likely to come up is why the riches of mining struggle to reach the poor. Government and mining companies make promises of empowering the poor through shares and wages; most are empty.
Before a word is said, the head of the National Union of Mineworkers (NUM) is sceptical. Frans Baleni, the union’s general secretary, says the Mining Indaba means little to the people who live next door to mines.
“You will notice that these discussions are about issues of maximizing productivity, there’s nothing much about improving the lives of communities. In these deliberations we don’t get a platform to say what we want to say,” says Baleni.
As delegates gather, a do-it-yourself solution will be underway in another part of the country. Thousands of the country’s poorest people will be buying into its richest industry.
Baroka Tribal Mining (Pty) is a community-owned company in the Sekhukhune District in Limpopo, in northern South Africa. It represents 90,000 poor people of the Baroka Ba Nkwana tribe. This community is buying a 49% stake of Bokoni platinum mine, worth $385million, from Anglo American Platinum (Amplats), the world’s largest platinum producer. It tabled the offer early in January.
Baroka’s transaction is backed by the Public Investment Corporation, a state-owned pension fund and a bank loan.
It is a deal that is a sign of the times. Following South Africa’s crippling six-month platinum strike in 2014, Amplats CEO Chris Griffith announced that the world’s largest producer was selling under-performing mines. It wants to concentrate on the more profitable open-pit and mechanized mine.
It has taken time and perseverance for Baroka since they set up in 2009. Out of their own pocket, Baroka representatives have traveled the world trying to secure investment. They went to Russia, Thailand and the United States but returned empty handed. The question of mining strikes in South Africa was often raised.
“Everything about Baroka shows that if you believe in something, you can actually get it if you are determined. We have never received royalties from any company, yet we are buying a R4 billion ($347 million) mine. We are lucky because we have government backing. That made it easier for us. Where the mine is sitting, there is 600 million tons of iron ore. There’s a large chrome deposit. We are currently sitting with 51 percent exploration rights,” says Tshepo Phiri, Chief Executive of Baroka Tribal Mining.
“Except for Royal Bafokeng, I can’t think of any successful story regarding mining communities. The government’s role tends to be limited; government tends to rely on these companies to implement the mining charter. But our advice is that the government needs to do constant evaluation of these companies and raise the red flag quite early,” says Baleni.
Both parties have a long way to go. Amplats will get credits towards black ownership which is required by the Mining Charter. The next Mining Charter update will be out on March 31 when researchers will tell how much &#8211; or how little &#8211; has been transferred to black owners. Each company is required to show at least 26% black ownership.
Ngoako Ramatlhodi, Minister of Mineral Resources, has a broad administrative discretion to unilaterally amend the charter as and when the need arises. Non-compliance with the provisions of the amended charter will render a mining company in breach of the Mineral and Petroleum Resources Development Act (MPRDA). Under section 47 of the MPRDA, the minister has the prerogative to suspend or cancel rights, permissions where the holder is in breach.
At least the Baroka Ba Nkwana tribe has not let the grass grow under its feet in the effort to convince poor people that a share of mining riches can be theirs too. Surely, this is a route to long-term stability in mining.

Tag: Wages

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So… You Earn More Than Your Husband?

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