In working with thousands of career women who also have children, and being a parent myself, I’ve experienced just how challenging it is to balance contributing as we wish to in the professional world, with how we want to mother, parent and care give in a present and loving way. Personally speaking, when I was forging my corporate career years ago, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I didn’t want the CEO track. My top priority in my life was to be in the fabric of my children’s lives in a meaningful, enriching way when they were young. I didn’t want to blow that or have serious regrets later in life. “Calling in” on the phone from another state (or coast) each night to read them a bedtime story or hear the highlights of their day (because I was traveling for work) was not how I wanted those years to pass.
To be clear, I’m not judging anyone who has different priorities – we all must choose our own. What’s key to your success, I believe, is to identify your own unique life priorities, and live from that knowledge each day. (Learn more about how to honor your own life priorities while balancing the needs of others.)
Most women I know want, and need, to build a fulfilling career and an enriching life outside of work. They want both, not the either/or that we’ve been told are our only options. But to do that, research has shown that women, as a first step, must adjust their mindsets, their limiting beliefs and their openness to committing to working and balancing outside life. That’s not all that’s required to modify our current competitive career model that doesn’t find a majority of women, but it’s an essential step in women taking charge of their lives. This requires women doing the inner work of overcoming key obstacles in what they believe is possible, and revising five hidden, limiting assumptions they’ve come to make. To learn more about this need to reframe the possibilities and shift away from these constraining assumptions, I connected with Jodi Detjen, co-author of The Orange Line: A Woman’s Guide to Integrating Career, Family and Life. A professor of management at Suffolk University, Jodi teaches management at MBA, undergraduate and corporate education levels, and writes and trains about the skills required, and organizational aspects related to living an integrated life. She is also a principal partner of a boutique consulting firm, the InTrinsic Group, delivering outcome-focused leadership development and coaching to foster effective performance.
Jodi explains: “In our research of 118 women (college educated, middle class), women who were successful at integrating career, family and life, had reframed five key assumptions about what it means to work and participate in family life with the highest degree of success, fulfillment and happiness.”
Jodi shares the five hidden assumptions that keep women from balancing work and home more successfully.
“I am solely responsible for home and family.”
When women in dual-parent households believe this, they feel overly-pressured and burdened to own it all: children’s development and the domestic responsibilities including the laundry, food preparation, shopping, cleaning, home repairs, etc. They may delegate some chores (e.g. garbage) but they tend to grow weary from the conflict that emerges around delegation and are often more comfortable just doing it themselves to get it done more quickly. For women with a partner at home, reframing this assumption to “we are both responsible for home and family” opens up all sorts of important possibilities. Now, we can say: “My career is important and so is yours. How do we figure out how to get the necessary chores done together?” Jodi’s interviewees hired help, shared care, switched off chores, held their kids more responsible and accountable, or gave up doing school projects. The key is to stop over-functioning and involve everyone in the family in a healthier, more appropriate way that builds self-reliance and independence.
“I’m afraid to negotiate if I don’t have permission.”
Everyone tells women to negotiate more and so many women don’t. Research has found, however, that when women have permission, they do negotiate – and often out-negotiate men. For example, if a job has been advertised that “salary is negotiable,” three times as many women will apply for the posting than they do when there’s no mention that wages are negotiable. When women believe they are invited to negotiate, they do so much more readily than when they fear they will be seen as “pushy” or “demanding” to get what they want. (Sadly, there’s some justification to their fears – research has shown that success and likability are positively correlated in men and negatively correlated in women).
Jodi’s tip: Forget permission. Women need to reframe this assumption toward, “I will be paid what my skills and contributions are worth and not less.” Tell the world what you deserve. Do this based on data you compile from a thorough evaluation of compensation trends in your field. Send a strong signal that you value yourself, and understand the importance of the contributions you’ve made, and will continue to bring to the table.
“I’m afraid to negotiate if I don’t have permission.”
Everyone tells women to negotiate more and so many women don’t. Research has found, however, that when women have permission, they do negotiate – and often out-negotiate men. For example, if a job has been advertised that “salary is negotiable,” three times as many women will apply for the posting than they do when there’s no mention that wages are negotiable. When women believe they are invited to negotiate, they do so much more readily than when they fear they will be seen as “pushy” or “demanding” to get what they want. (Sadly, there’s some justification to their fears – research has shown that success and likability are positively correlated in men and negatively correlated in women).
Jodi’s tip: Forget permission. Women need to reframe this assumption toward, “I will be paid what my skills and contributions are worth and not less.” Tell the world what you deserve. Do this based on data you compile from a thorough evaluation of compensation trends in your field. Send a strong signal that you value yourself, and understand the importance of the contributions you’ve made, and will continue to bring to the table.
“I must be perfect in all I do and I am not good enough.”
These two assumptions combined together keep women from seeking advancement, promotions, raises and embracing growth. Jodi has experienced many women sharing their beliefs that they simply were not ready for the next level or that they preferred to stay as an individual contributor. But in looking beneath these statements, Jodi found a need to be perfect and a prevalent feeling that these women weren’t living up to their perfectionistic ideals. Reframing this assumption of “I’m not good enough” to “I am a work in progress, and I am ready for growth” allows for new pathways to open and new opportunities to be embraced. Rather than berating herself for having a messy home, one woman declared that her messy home was an emblem (that she was proud of) of her commitment to her work. She believed her house was perfectly fine, mess and all, and didn’t feel “less-than” because of it.
Another woman, when asked to take on a new role, at first thought “I’m not ready for that” but then reframed her assumption. She looked around at her male peers doing similar roles and realized that she indeed had all the qualifications and experience she needed to succeed and thrive in the role. She negotiated a new title, a raise, and took the job.
“If I follow the rules, good things will happen.”
Women have learned from their school days that when they follow the rules, teachers will like them and reward them. But in business, the rules are quite different. Following these school-based rules – keeping your head down, doing all your work and doing just what’s asked of you – won’t get women promoted. Instead, they must take responsibility for themselves and their careers, and ask for what they need, want, and deserve. Create a regular forum to share with your managers what you’ve accomplished and contributed, and the value you’ve provided. Talk about your accomplishments, not in a bragging way, but as a way to let managers and teams know how the enterprise is moving forward, and how you’ve facilitated that growth. (Check out Peggy Klaus’s book Brag: The Art of Tooting Your Horn Without Blowing It, for tips.) You’re in the driver’s seat of your career. Expecting good things to occur without actively facilitating these positive outcomes is a recipe for disappointment, or worse, failure.
Reframing these five assumptions is a powerful strategy that frees women up to see and embrace growth and new possibilities. Don’t let your mistaken assumptions perpetuate self-limiting behavior. Realize that what you believe is what you will create. Don’t wait for anyone else to offer you opportunity and growth – reach out and grab it.

FIVE Hidden Assumptions That Keep  Women From Living Larger

It was a bright, sunny day when a fleet of 36 yachts left the shores of Cape Town, South Africa, for Brazil in the 2014 Cape to Rio race. One of the yachts, Investec Ciao Bella, has the most unlikely crew; it’s manned by an entire family, the Robinsons. Unlike many professional competitors, their idea of a family holiday consists of a month ploughing through the cold ocean, ducking under flying fish, gawking at glowing dolphins and watching out for floating containers as deadly as icebergs.
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In January, the family left African shores sporting shirts, short-sleeved vests and plenty of sunscreen. Little did they know they would sail in 60 knots of wind and 8-meter swells; a storm no-one was expecting was on the horizon. It claimed one man’s life and crippled a third of the fleet.
“If you look at the weather imaging from that day all you will see is this giant eye of cloud. And we sailed straight into it,” says Mike Robinson.
In 2011, Mike and his wife Gill, sons Ricky (23), Brennan (22), and Ryan (14) with daughters Kathryn (25) and Michaela (10) and their nephew Bradley (19) came second in the race.
The storm hit a day into the race. The swells were massive, the wind strong enough to rip your sail. The Ciao Bella struggled in churning seas which changed direction. Brennan and Ricky, the most experienced yachtsmen held the helm for hours on end. The rest supported them, changing sails at a moment’s notice and sliding on deck in the sleeting rain.
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“It was a heavy night. It was the beginning of the race and some of us were predictably seasick. Everyone had a bit of a wobble except for my wife, Gill. When the weather got tough she was the only one standing and she took over the cabin. She made sure people got hot chocolate and that everyone’s harnesses and clothes were ready for the changes in shifts,” says Mike.
The Robinson’s sailed through the eye of the storm and launched out the other end with the wind at their backs, taking a commanding lead. They were exhausted and decided to take a 12-hour rest. The decision, says Mike, ultimately cost them the race.
“We were well out in the front, ahead of the other boats. If we had kept with it we would have had a strong wind all the way to Rio,” he says.
Other boats were not as lucky. The yacht Bille, registered from Angola, reported that their crew member, António João Bartolomeu, died and two other crew members were injured. Mike first heard of the news during a live radio interview.
“We were blissfully unaware of the drama. It was a rough ride but we managed it well. It was the Wednesday after the race began. I fumbled through the interview. It turned out it was a storm of massive proportions, the likes seen in the serious sea races, not the Cape to Rio,” he says.
South Africa’s National Sea Rescue Institution (NSRI) reported eight-meter swells and 60-knot gale force winds. Three boats were towed back to Cape Town. The Black Cat reported being set adrift after losing its rudder; Isla took on water in the engine compartment and had an electrical fire; and on the AVA, two of their four crew members were injured and activated their emergency satellite beacon. According to Mike, a third of the fleet had been forced to retire.
“It was no longer a family get-together to sail. This was something unfathomable. Usually when you get to Rio there is incredible comradery. This time, there was the sense that there was one person who should have made it, but didn’t,” he says.
It took the Robinsons 21 days to travel 5,500 kilometers. It was almost twice the length of time the professional 10-man Maserati took to take the line honors, in 11 days. Still, Mike was happy to place fifth overall, the second South African boat to arrive in Rio.
“We were competing against boats that had more carbon than a coal mine,” says Mike, referring to the newer models made of carbon graphite which are lighter and faster than the Ciao Bella’s fiberglass hull.
“The first three boats were made of full-time racing outfits. We’ve got only one world champion racer and he’s 17 (Ryan). We traveled from Cape Town to the oil fields of Rio just on the power of the wind… We did all this with seven people on a 35-foot yacht, one of the smallest in the fleet. That’s amazing,” says son Ricky, now 26 years old.
Unlike their first adventure, the Robinsons were unusually disaster free, says Mike. In the 2011 Cape to Rio, their engine failed leaving them without fresh water. They also sailed the whole way with a cracked rudder.
The family’s life on board is littered with unusual moments. Flying fish smack people on deck and dolphins swim in their wake. Mike says there is nothing more majestic than an albatross in the trade winds. He also cannot forget the beauty of the Atlantic Ocean.
“There is not a color that can describe it. We think it’s a regal blue; as far as the eye can see and deep into the depths. It’s all encompassing. The wave movement becomes regular. Life becomes this rhythm. You cook to a rhythm, you sleep to it. When the sun sets the sea becomes velvet and the Milky Way goes from the left side of the horizon to the right. Behind you, the moon rises on a silver pathway,” he says.
It’s here, thousands of miles from land, where the race begins in earnest in the trade winds. At the helm Ricky, Brennan and Ryan compete to see who can go the fastest and the furthest in two-hour shifts. The smell of pancakes and bacon floats onto the deck. Katheryn and Michaela sing bad parodies and the brothers argue about philosophy during their 3AM shifts.
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“I spent an entire night with Ricky and I don’t think we said more than two words to each other. We just experienced the moment in each other’s company,” says Mike.
As the weather warms up closer to Rio, the Robinson’s rations thin. The first to go are zoo biscuits, valued higher than gold, until a bout of foul weather reveals a stash, hidden in the rain jackets.
“Brennan was the most likely candidate, it was his jacket. But Ryan had also been using it. Michaela is known for hoarding her sweets so it could have been her. We just didn’t know,” says Mike.
The debate raged into the night. Accusations flew across the rocking yacht. The family posted a blog asking for help to solve the crime. In response, the other yachts, instead of helping to solve the mystery, tried to barter for the treats.
“Zoo biscuits are a precious commodity on the ocean. Sure, Oreos and ginger snaps are fine. But Zoo biscuits are lapped up, especially on the Ciao Bella. We got offers of fish in exchange. But no fish is worth a Zoo biscuit, no matter how fresh,” says Mike.
The journey ends at Rio, surrounded by huge volcanic cliffs clustered with mansions. The statue, Christ the Redeemer, stands out on the horizon. It might not have been the first place prize for the Robinsons but their trip was a family vacation like no other.

Fish? Not Worth A Biscuit

It is harrowing watching a crane move a two ton yacht onto a truck. Ropes crack under the strain. You imagine the fibreglass hull will shatter at any moment. Professionals may struggle with the job, so consider a family of seven with their thirteen-year-old daughter, Michaela, driving the crane. This feat of engineering is the first step of a Robinson family holiday that most would find hard to imagine.
“It’s been impossible to get her out of the driving seat; at least if she doesn’t make it as a sailor she can always work the crane,” says father Mike Robinson.
The Robinsons are as much a crew as a family. For them a Christmas holiday is a month ploughing through the cold ocean, ducking under flying fish, gawking at glowing dolphins and watching out for floating containers as deadly as icebergs. All this in a 35-foot yacht, that cost them $24,000 to repair as well as a case of beer for the charter fee, on Africa’s most famous sea voyage, the Cape to Rio.
Once every three years, yachts of all shapes and sizes take to the high seas in a bid for glory. It is a downwind race stretching 5,500 kilometers from Cape Town in South Africa to Rio de Janeiro in Brazil.
“It’s not hard to find South America. You just go toward the setting sun,” jokes Mike.
It may seem unlikely but the Robinsons have a good chance of winning. In 2011, Mike and his wife Gill, sons Ricky, Brennan, and Ryan with daughters Kathryn and Michaela and their nephew Bradley came second on board the Ciao Bella, the smallest yacht in the competition.
What’s more, the Robinsons managed to sail all the way with a hole in their rudder after they collided with a submerged container. They say the greatest danger comes lurking, sinister as a snake, under the surface. The Robinsons were lucky, floating containers could easily rip a hole in your hull, says Mike.
“They fall off the tops of those huge charter ships, and you will never see them. They float just under the surface,” says Brennan.
While swimming, the Robinsons found their rudder was missing a large chunk. Ricky believes it started as a hairline crack that opened after traveling for a few days at high speed on the sea. You could say it took a knock to their chances of winning.
“All the hotshot sailors from the Cape were saying we were just a family from Carletonville, from the Vaal, that we knew nothing about ocean racing,” says Michaela.
Their critics were wrong. The Robinsons had trained together for years. The family grew up with the wind in their face and a rope in their hand. Brennan, Ricky and Michaela have all sailed for South Africa. The Robinson’s garage holds testament to this, it is a boneyard of boats, masts and sails. The cars are parked under a tree.
The Ciao Bella lies in their backyard in Carletonville, a small mining town that is a two-hour drive from Johannesburg and hundreds of miles from the ocean. The yacht is on its way to the sea, to race in the Cape to Rio, once again. This time round they are aiming to win it, with a new rudder designed and made by Brennan, an engineer student at the University of Witwatersrand.
It is a different world far out on the Atlantic Ocean. One night, outside of Cape Town, there was a glowing phosphorous light on the surface of the sea attracting life.
“In the wake of the yacht you have this bright light. Dolphins jumped out the water, it makes them look like glowing torpedoes. You can’t see the dolphins, you just see this glow,” says Brennan.
“Every time they hit a shoal of fish it would sound like fireworks as the fish scattered,” says Kathryn.
It is not always plain sailing. The Robinsons were halfway, 10 days out of Rio. They were moving along in the trade winds. All was well, when their engine failed. Somehow there was water in the diesel.
“We still don’t know if it was the cheapskate who we got the diesel from or if it was a pipe in the engine. It was dead,” says Mike.
“A yacht uses the wind to move, but uses an engine to survive,” says Mike.
Without it you cannot charge your GPS or purify water.
“When your engine fails, it’s the scariest moment on the Atlantic,” says Gill.
The family did an inventory of their available water; it was running low. They went into emergency rationing and experienced 24 hours without water.
“It was looking pretty bleak,” says Mike.
Luck and ingenuity saw them through. As the sun began to rise, a rare squall blew over the yacht.  Mike woke up to see his children using the yacht’s sail and every bucket they could find to store rain. They collected 80 liters of fresh clean water, which was the exact amount needed to get them to the Brazilian coast.
“What was really cool was that we could see another boat next to us, and they didn’t get any rain. It was just us,” says Michaela.
They managed to fix the engine a few days later, the danger had passed. And to boot they had some extra water for a rare bath.
Then there is the bombardment of flying fish.
“They are like phantoms, they’ll get caught in places you don’t want them and there is just a smell on the deck. They’ll rot for two days and you’ll think oh my word where is that smell coming from. You have to dig them out from all the holes they’ve crept into,” says Ricky.
The ultimate irony was that the family had tailed a line across 5,500 kilometers, hoping to catch a real fish, without getting a single bite.
The Cape to Rio starts off at a chase. Strong south-easters blow the ships off the coast of Cape Town. It is a judgment call where to pick up the calmer trade winds in the heart of the Atlantic. Finally you reach the most difficult phase of the trip, the South American coast.
“Everyone calls it the Parking Lot; you come to a complete stop, with the mountains of Rio just in front of you and the oil rigs around you. You have to be careful because there is a strong current and you end up going backyards. It gets tense on these last couple of days, when you are in the doldrums with no wind. It’s hot and you are trying to keep the boat moving,” says Gill.
The Robinsons were racing against teams who had the latest navigation systems, linked permanently to satellites and day-to-day weather forecasts. All the family had was a small yellow GPS phone called Homer, only useful for pinpointing your position. Instead, they relied on ship routes dating back to 1800s. Most of their opposition ended up being stranded in the Atlantic without wind, whereas the historical route, proven by hundreds of years sailing, was longer but more reliable.
“You will find the family transfers information between each other. I’m at best a journey man, we’ve taught them as best as we know. It goes full circle. The process of going across the Atlantic has got this potential to transfer this huge amount of knowledge. Our children are now teaching us, so when Brennan says this sail needs to be enveloped, we can’t let anybody know we don’t know what he’s talking about,” says Mike.
What started out as a family holiday, on a yacht that needed $24,000 to repair and a case of beer, has now become a family obsession. If you were to sit next to the Robinsons in a restaurant you would not think that they were contenders for a coveted gold medal. But don’t go telling them that, they don’t like losing. Coming second to a team from Cape Town last time was one place too far behind as far as they are concerned. So they plan to spend another 20 days cramped together fighting off flying fish and floating containers. All the while their eyes will be focused on the horizon and the setting sun.

Tag: Family

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